Sorry! I am always super nervous that when I say hey, can Boyfriend come along to this big group thing were doing? that people say yes just to avoid social conflict and they all actually are pissed or something. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. So for a long time I didnt trust that any plans were real until they were actually happening. Ill also disagree that invitations arent a reflection of friendship. But since were all contributing our opinions on drop-in culture, Ill say I love it. Honestly. Were all moving to different cities now so I guess it wont be a problem any more with that specific group. Inviting yourself over to someone's house for dinner? I totally agree with youthat comment seemed kind of shamey, like things were so much better when people actually talked to each other kind of thing that we get when the topic of talking to strangers comes up. Find 33 ways to say INVITING, along with antonyms, related words, and example sentences at Thesaurus.com, the world's most trusted free thesaurus. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I agree 100% with this. I am right there with you! By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. As my original comment notes, I was confused that the term seemed to be being used to describe all sorts of in-advance-of-company cleaning. I was overwhelmed because I felt I had to pack + entertain her. Sometimes if you give me the advice I will bite your head off. As a general rule, though, calling ahead is never *wrong* and can save you a lot of Oh, I didnt expect visitors, lets talk out here on the porch for a few minutes awkwardness. With platonic friendships, most people seem to go with the slow fade rather than confront problems in the friendship directly and honestly. For me there actually felt less pressure to accept these impromptu invitations than there sometimes is with people pre-arranging by phone. Since there is zero version of that conversation that is not hella fraught, Ive opted not to have it, and instead stick to declining her requests to babysit and make plans for us that dont include the kids (or if they do include the kids, I make sure that were not at home its more of a problem when shes in my kids space than when theyre all at, say, the beach). c. Dirty Dishes. The picture Im getting is that LWs friend is trying to redraw some boundaries and doing an sloppy job of it. We have talked about this. It would be different in the burbs or rural areas, I assume. This "friend" is no longer invited to my home. But so many people want to hang out all day. A lot of it probably is the presumption of intimacy of showed up at my house compared to showed up at my work. My bathroom at home is also the guest bathroom and I kind of want to tidy up slightly embarrassing but totally normal hygiene products before someone uses it? Thats almost chilling. (As opposed to, we work together and you are telling me about your kids wedding shower or whatever.). Much communication later, of course, things were happier. Pick your clothes up off the floor, make the bed and for the love of God, make sure it smells good in there. If Im ok w/ them coming up, I will invite them (and they know it). Its worth asking in terms of, We would love to have T. over this month, when would be a good time? Its a little bit presumptuous, as the phrasing presumes that of course T.s parents would be delighted to have the playdateso if they for some reason arent okay with that, theyll have to use their Adulting Skills and make their refusal more clearbut right now the ball needs to be put in their court with a little more firmness. in Psychology. Id probably start avoiding their neighbourhood, tbh. Another thing you can try is to organize a book night. If shes the one who called you out for inviting yourself, then you know now that shed prefer you wait for an invitation. 1. For me, its a bit like physical contact boundaries. I poured out my heart. i agree with a lot of what youre saying, being part of a group does not automatically mean that you are invited to all the things, that is very true. Dear LW I completely plan to be where we said, when we said! Answer (1 of 6): "I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware that I'd issued an invitation. When a guy has a thing for you, he'll want to talk to you all the time and as often as possible. But only she knows why she reacted that way. But I am not likely to become someone whose housekeeping and decorating skills occasion effusive positive comment. Yet because these folks are in my social orbit, its pretty obvious that if they want to make time for some other activity or person (not necessarily even a friend) they can usually manage to find it. Then if the friend wants to, she can suggest you come to her house but if shes not up for that, she can decline altogether or agree to meet up elsewhere without feeling like she was put on the spot. She ran into the same person a couple of weeks later and it turned out it was a dinner party, she was the sixth guest, they waited two hours for her and dinner was ruined. Remember to be yourself and be cool and casual during the conversation. But why do you want them to walk from their car to your door and back again regardless of the weather? On your FAMILY vacations?? I had a housemate once who was hosting a bridal shower for a mutual acquaintance, and it was supposed to be at our house. Followed by pedicures and an outdoor screening of Clueless? PLEASE CALL ME. It could be for any number of reasons. Like other commentors Im totally fine with a Im in the neighbourhood can I drop by text, as long as the other person is fine with actually, Im really busy, maybe next time as a reply. Perhaps the best way to do this would be to communicate that you are unable to attend, but are thankful for the invitation. That it would never occur to me to perceive that others regard me as less-than for possibly benefiting from their input may also help. He hadnt received the email and was furious. Now they just accept that they cannot ask to be let up to my apartment pretty much ever instead they ask if I want to do something or meet them downstairs. If wed been together for years and regularly stayed at each others places and had keys I would assume that I could show up whenever. Like I dot userstand it. I am sitting here listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I dont even know, 5 minutes? When I was young it was normal to go knock on someones door, but you always either invited them outside to play or over to your house, you never invited yourself in. As I said, I find these conversations miserable. Dearest LW, please be sure to not only ensure a friend has availability, but also interest, combined with a way for them to graciously say no. I didnt mean to derail the conversation about unexpected visits into a separate thread on the shame some experience re: cleaning. Ugh, yes. Oh man, indeed. I wonder if perhaps we are related distantly. I suppose the modern equivalent is mostly not responding to a text for six hours and then going whoops, phone was off. I think that actually makes me LESS amenable to unexpected interruptions at home because Ive already used up all my people-dealing-with fuel fielding the expected-but-not-planned interactions at work. With that said, your description sounds like the sort of thing I would certainly expect a person to handle gracefully even if it wasnt okay with them, not to be furious about. why didnt you tell me?? Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. Okay, then, (and I do appreciate being included finally!) If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. What are we? If he is a gamer, you may offer to have a gaming night at his place. How to invite yourself over to someone's house. Simply make one of the many delicious recipes you can find here. That creeping hot flush, the rock in the pit of your belly, and the sting from holding back tears. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. Sometimes people will ask me this less than two hours after the original making of the plan. (Some people love striking up conversations at the bus stop, whereas its my idea of a nightmare). If you, a person who lives in my giant city but not anywhere near the suburb where I live, happen to find yourself in that suburb, and want to grab a coffee/see a movie/a meal/a drink/a manicure. Guys are simple creatures, but it can still be frustrating trying to get them to do what you want. Feel free to use. For example if someone is hosting a small dinner party, you probably shouldn't ask if you could attend at the last minute. It might just be easier to never mention social plans around her, but thats not really a sustainable optionis it? Ha! Sometimes it is hard to tell though. An alternative to let me stop by your house is Im going to be in the neighborhood do you want to meet up? This is a call I do not mind getting. Single. He only ever is here for 15 minutes and hes been my husbands friend for more than 20 years so I dont feel as if I can be as agressive about my boundaries as I normally am. by themselves. Britney: Were going out. You can be nice and tell her youll be leaving for fun thing at 3:15. Midwesterners. I'm trained as a counselor. People literally opened each others front doors and let themselves in. i have had that used on me enough by a gaslighty ex that i break out in hives when i hear it. This may help put to rest frustrations I sometimes feel about issues where my preference runs counter to that of most people. I also think that Ask vs. Still on for tonight? sounds a bit less pointed than Are you actually running on time today?. I would have just asked him to entertain himself while I was finishing up whatever or getting ready for whatever. I have routinely over the last year asked if she were free for me to drop in for a hug when fetching mail (I receive mail in the same building as her office) and thats seemed fine.. Wait for me to open the door and join you. I would hate everything about this. It should never sound like you're begging to come over to his place. This is not the first time Ive had it rough with best friends or high-intensity, close-knit groups. Wanna join, Wee_Ramekin?). Ive ceased making overtures entirely, except for polite greetings when I see them out and about. You can also see how they react to other people, and if they have a constant stream of drop ins when youre over, or are OK with saying no when asked or setting limits on drop ins without squirming with discomfort. Everyone, look at these. ). Look, there's a good chance if she's agreed to come over, you'll end up in bed together, and the last thing you want is to bring her into a lair of disarray. As people get to know me, they learn that its usually best not to give me advice unless I directly ask for it (because if I want it, I will). And I agree that its up to both sides, the person doing the rejecting to communicate clearly and consistently, and the rejectee gracefully taking the hint. If I overheard that Id think that A is surely going to Bs house later that day. Me: Goodnight, Britney. In one case we could easily made plans anytime, so dropping in felt like too much. I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. They're really wondering, "Do these people like me and want me around?" My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. For every person of their youth who joyfully offered hospitality to all comers at any time, there were plenty who turned off the lights and made sure they stayed out of view of the windows so as not to be put on the spot by unannounced visitors. What does this mean for transportation etc.. You may be right that she doesnt want as close a relationship, or she might just have a preference in this particular thing, as some people do. I think I feel like the confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized? Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Whenever I want to hang out with ANYONE I know I always drop a text beforehand and make sure my wording sends the message that its totally optional on their part to agree to hang or not. She enjoys learning about relationship and communication skills in order to develop her own and others' relationships. If not, the guide on how to ask a guy out on a third date would be a perfect read. I say this, and I am a pretty easy-going person about not being invited to things. But in Small Town, on the rare occasions when it wasnt a good time for hanging out, no matter how low-grade, it was very hard to say that in a socially acceptable way. If you drop by unannounced you have deprived me of my sea shell soap and my famous bourbon blondies! If it turns into a huge social thing it tends to be bad. * That very easily could be in the category of very close family. Asking a little in advance gives me a chance to refuse if Im busy or say yes enthusiastically (and shame-clean) if Im not. logically it would! So I did a frantic quick clean, left the place unlocked, and left them a note saying that their child would be home about an hour and a half after their arrival, and Id be there about an hour after that. Until then, however, I'm not available for get-togethers at my house." Fun times. Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. Hey QA, I had a relationship with someone who would get similarly furious if I turned up early or unannounced and I eventually realised it was part of a wider tendency to controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour (and with another ex it was that plus masking infidelity). Yeah, thats what bugs me: I understand Things Happen, but to just turn up hours late without an explanation and then expect that the host will want to stick around and talk? As cute as it might seem that he's thinking about you at 1 a.m. on a Saturday night after he's left the bar with his buddies and wants to see you last minute, it's not cute at all. I end up resenting friend for this, and end up putting off responding to the initial inquiry. That it would never occur to me to perceive that others regard me as less-than for possibly benefiting from car... You want them to do this would be to communicate that you are unable to attend, are. 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